Pro-data retention Liberal voter has ‘nothing to hide’, shits with the door open

Controversial national security legislation passed the House of Representatives recently, allowing civilians’ metadata to be hoarded by the government for up to two years. Although this sparked massive backlash from online nerd communities, as well as a grassroots social media campaign, the legislation has widely been tolerated by the electorate as vital for the persecution of Muslims stamping out rampant terrorism which plagues daily life in Australia.

South Perth resident Mark Burnett (43) is a firm supporter of his esteemed Liberal Party’s legislative strike against the Islamic community.

“I think it’s great, yeah,” Mr Burnett explains, “When I’m on the internet I’m not doing anything wrong so why would I need to hide it? Only criminals need privacy”. Mr Burnett is indeed a true believer, stating that he has started implementing the same line of logic in his family home.

“I’ve started shitting with the door open, yeah,” Mr Burnett explains. “It’s only natural, everybody does it. It’s nothing illegal, you know.”

“I feel more comfortable with the door open, knowing that my family knows that I’m not consorting with anyone, that I’m just shitting in there.”

Mr Burnett has also begun proudly emailing his extended family details of how long he defecates for, where he does so, and the frequency of those visits.

Mr Burnett’s latest interpretation of the idea has resulted in a so-called “open-door policy” in his South Perth home, stating “If the kids see me and the wife making sweet love to each other, then so be it”.

“Sometimes I have a wank in the car as I’m dropping the kids off at school, it’s nothing illegal! It’s perfectly natural and they have a right to know about it!”

The legislation is expected to pass the Senate next week.

Originally published in PROSH 2015. Edited by PROSH 2023.