Man accidentally stabbed 37 times: ‘sh*t happens’

Local lad, Tommo, was accidentally stabbed 37 times last Saturday in what he has described as “a bit of a dog move, but yeah… ai’ght” and which local parents are calling a “delightful teen prank gone hideously awry”.

“I wasn’t expecting to get stabbed 37 times,” wheezes Tommo. “But sometimes shit happens”.

Tommo, who is not planning on pursuing charges, was physically assaulted by close friend Big Jono during a lighthearted game of Knifey Spooney that broke out during an otherwise ordinary Sunday sesh with the boys. Pressed for comment, Big Jono claimed that “the knife just slipped” and that he was “jus’ bein’ a little cheeky”. When asked about the gratuitous number of stab wounds Tommo had received, Big Jono said that he was “just making sure that Tommo got the joke”.

Surprisingly unfazed by the near mortal wounds, Tommo plans on “getting back on the piss ASAP”, willing to offer forgiveness to his assailant so long as he “brings the booze this time”.

“What’s a couple knife wounds between lads,” says Tommo, “It’s just bantz, wait ‘til the groupchat hears about this.”