UWA solves parking issue by bulldozing Curtin
The University of Western Australia has finally listened to its students and is giving them more accessible parking options on campus. Just not on their campus, however, as the uni announced that they have bought the Curtin University Bentley campus and bulldozed it for parking. In its place will soon be four large, multi-storied carparks run by Wilson Parking.
UWA claims that this will be monumental in how students from all over Perth will be able to get to the UWA campus safely and cheaply.
Amit Chakma, Vice-Chancellor of UWA, held a press conference where he said that “This just continues the greatness of our fair university, and firmly cements us as the best university in the state. Parking shall never be an issue again, and neither will Curtin.”
A short two-hour bus route will instead be used to connect the parking to the current campus at Nedlands, as teleportation doesn’t exist yet.
Curtin students were immediately outraged by this decision, many of them going on Twitter to write such things as “I know I never went to any of my tutes anyway but where am I going to spend nine hours watching TikToks and not studying now?” (@ loorollisbestroll)
PROSH has asked a representative from the Curtin Student Guild for a response, but it appears their phone was also bulldozed in the process.
An email sent out to students by Curtin administration this morning reads,
“All classes will now be entirely over Zoom. You thought you were going to be at a real university? Hahahhahahahahahaha no fucking way, you’re basically at a glorified Open University now!”
On the other side of Perth, everyone at Murdoch University is jumping with joy at this announcement.
“We couldn’t believe the good news!” a Murdoch board member said gleefully to a PROSH journalist. “Finally we have reached the illustrious position of being the second best uni in the state!” he added, forgetting that both Notre Dame and ECU exist.
He then proceeded to run out of the interview, strip down to his underwear, whip his dick out, and then started jerking off to what we believe to be his pure joy over Curtin going online.
No word yet on how expensive this parking initiative will be, but rough estimates are putting the price of full day parking at $157. The uni has announced an alternative way of paying for the parking by visiting Quobba Garning at Reid Library.
“If you can manage to stomach the liquid shit that they call coffee, we will refund the entire price of your parking.”
Fuck that shit, I’m just gonna take the bus.